What does family mean to you?
"For me, I'm gay and Jewish. I grew up Orthodox Jewish, so very religious. The family unit is the core component of the Orthodox Jewish life. Everything revolves around the family. I come from a big family with mulitple younger siblings. The community is key, you'd have Sunday activities, schools, and you'd be with your siblings. On the weekend, the Shabbat comprised around Friday night dinner with your family, Saturday lunch with your family, families will be going in and out. "
"To me, family is a core cohesive social unit and a key element in religious life. But on the other side of my identity, which is being gay, that always ends with my religious identity. Because in Orthodox Judaism, being gay is traditionally considered to be unallowed by Jewish law. So the idea of ever having a family, as seen in the context of how I grew up, and in how I would envision when I was younger, what the community would look like, is something I was never able to picture. So I think, in theory, I'd want a family, but in reality, can I even do that with the way I've been brought up?"
What does building a family mean to you?
"To me, family is a core cohesive social unit and a key element in religious life. But on the other side of my identity, which is being gay, that always ends with my religious identity. Because in Orthodox Judaism, being gay is traditionally considered to be unallowed by Jewish law. So the idea of ever having a family, as seen in the context of how I grew up, and in how I would envision when I was younger, what the community would look like, is something I was never able to picture. So I think, in theory, I'd want a family, but in reality, can I even do that with the way I've been brought up?"
What does building a family mean to you?
"I think a big part of building a family is sacrifice. I've constantly seen how much my parents have put us ahead of them, from holidays that they weren't able to take to just nicer things for them. So building a family definitely to a certain extent means sacrifice, and putting the family above yourself, putting the unit above your individuality."
"I went to Orthodox Jewish school up to 12th grade, up until university, so university was the first non-religious educational environment I've been in. My high school grade - now aged 26, 27 - they're all at the stage of having their second baby. By age 19, 20, they were married and pregnant. In the Orthodox Jewish world, you get married pretty young. According to the community’s expectation, something is wrong if a woman aged 24, 25 is unmarried."
"I definitely grew up with that expectation. I think being Orthodox Jewish, there's no space to be gay in that community. So as soon as I came out, those expectations were removed. There was no conversation in the community that goes to me, like, is she married? Is he dating? These questions would never come up for me, because I don't think there was any framework of what a gay Jewish Orthodox Jewish family could look like. So I've never felt that same pressure to have a family, because I don't think I ever had a model to understand what it would look like."
"At first, it was liberating and fine. But now, I find this annoying and sad, because it's almost demonstrated that there isn't a space or a pathway forward. I think the community is changing, certainly in parts of the Jewish worlds, you can do that. But overarchingly, there's limited space to have a true, so-called traditional family unit as a homosexual couple. I mean, why aren't you asking me if I am dating or not?"
"I tried to find a direction over the past COVID years. Some of my friends just got married or have kids, because that's the direction they're expected to go or gives them a purpose in life. I think for me, if I was straight, I would have already probably been married with kids at this point. And I think it would have been much easier. "
What does having children mean to you?
"I went to Orthodox Jewish school up to 12th grade, up until university, so university was the first non-religious educational environment I've been in. My high school grade - now aged 26, 27 - they're all at the stage of having their second baby. By age 19, 20, they were married and pregnant. In the Orthodox Jewish world, you get married pretty young. According to the community’s expectation, something is wrong if a woman aged 24, 25 is unmarried."
"I definitely grew up with that expectation. I think being Orthodox Jewish, there's no space to be gay in that community. So as soon as I came out, those expectations were removed. There was no conversation in the community that goes to me, like, is she married? Is he dating? These questions would never come up for me, because I don't think there was any framework of what a gay Jewish Orthodox Jewish family could look like. So I've never felt that same pressure to have a family, because I don't think I ever had a model to understand what it would look like."
"At first, it was liberating and fine. But now, I find this annoying and sad, because it's almost demonstrated that there isn't a space or a pathway forward. I think the community is changing, certainly in parts of the Jewish worlds, you can do that. But overarchingly, there's limited space to have a true, so-called traditional family unit as a homosexual couple. I mean, why aren't you asking me if I am dating or not?"
"I tried to find a direction over the past COVID years. Some of my friends just got married or have kids, because that's the direction they're expected to go or gives them a purpose in life. I think for me, if I was straight, I would have already probably been married with kids at this point. And I think it would have been much easier. "
What does having children mean to you?
"I think on the sacrifice side, but also such joy in parenthood. I like seeing how kids grow and when they learn something. And just having company with them. There's obviously passing your legacy to the next generation and carrying on the family. I think there's also a lot of fear in being parented and cliquey. Don't know what you're doing. If anything happens to that kid, I was particularly struck and thinking this past year with the school shootings in America because they were the same age as my cousins. There's such fear that you didn't protect them."
What are the options you and your partner may consider?
What are the options you and your partner may consider?
"There's a lot of options where you could do adoption, surrogacy… I definitely want a kid to a certain extent have some genetic overlap, like mixing you and your partner semen so that you know, 50-50% chance, right? We did have a close family friend who did surrogacy, but it's a little bit taboo to discuss in the community."
Please tell me about the textile art piece you have created.
Please tell me about the textile art piece you have created.
"Family building makes sacrifice. So this is a moment of a parent sleeping on the floor in the child’s room because the child is having a nightmare, just to be with the child in his room. The other one is the tennis ball put at the bottom of a walking aid for an aging parent. So, it’s both ways."
"What I think about family might not be what I observed from my family, but from other people too. I am more aware of how important family is to me after this workshop, it’s very therapeutic."
"What I think about family might not be what I observed from my family, but from other people too. I am more aware of how important family is to me after this workshop, it’s very therapeutic."